Passionate Perfection.

Sometimes there are moments where you are unconditionally happy with everything in your life. & I believe those moments should be documented. Today is one of those "moments". Yes, the whole day. Its been said that having true moments of sadness is something to cherish.  How can moments of honest heartbreak have the reverse effect to create happiness? It's the beauty of being human. We have the ability to shut those feelings out, or we can choose to live in them and experience them with every part of our being. I am choosing to live in them and feel everything so deep until it hurts my soul. What's the harm in having feelings? Often people are scared of how they'll be perceived if they truly let experiences affect them way deep down to their soul; but, why? Why should we turn off our emotions just so we can be safe? There is no joy in being safe. Being safe does not create true moments of pain, or true moments of happiness. Choose to feel. Soak it in and feel it all with all you have.

Sidenote: Go listen to Birdy's new album. Comes out Sep 27th and it's heaven in music.

ART.

Do you ever feel so passionate about something that you can't even put it into words?

Every single day.


My true passion is art. And I'm not meaning just portraits or paintings on the wall, although I do appreciate those completely. (Kelly Rae Roberts!) When I say art, I mean art of all kinds.

My number one passion is dancing. There is a happiness I feel when I dance that I haven't found anywhere else in my life. And I'll be completely honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I pursued a dancing career. The harsh reality is, my ankles won't let me, and neither will my mind. I'm a person who needs a plan. Dancing is something I won't ever quit doing, but having a dancing career isn't stable enough to ease my mind. Creates unnecessary stress. It breaks my heart that I'm that way. I just want to dance.

I also love with my whole heart the art of writing. I'm a bookworm through and through. I always have at least three books I'm reading at one time, and I'll read anything and everything. I love the idea of creating a world with your mind. Sounds cheesy, I know, but reading takes me to a place where I'm so carefree without a worry in the world. Takes me away from my reality. I'm working on my library (which I must say is quite impressive so far). And honestly, I'd rather spend money on books than anything else. Also, if you know me, then you know that bookstores (particularly Barnes & Noble) are my favorite stores to shop.

Obviously I love paintings and that kind of art as well. My room is full of paintings and mixed media art, by the one and only Kelly Rae Roberts. There is something about her art that I connect with. She is such an amazing human with a natural gift for creating something inspiring to others. If you haven't seen her art, I suggest you look it up. She's my number one.

One of the biggest forms of art I love is music. I'm addicted to songs. I'm addicted to lyrics. I'm addicted to it all. I download more music that any person should. That's all I have to say about that. I love it more than a lot of things in my life.

The truth of it all, is that mostly everything can be classified as art. There is beauty in everything, and I honestly appreciate others gifts and talents, especially if they choose to share them with the world. I think that we all just want to feel connected with others. We want to find a way to understand each other on a deeper level. Art is one way that we can do that. I think without it I'd be lost.

"You just have no idea. When I say that writing has saved my life, I am not speaking metaphorically. I believe that without music, without dance, without art, I would already be gone."

melancholy

mel·an·chol·y  

/ˈmelənˌkälē/

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: 2. Pensive reflection or contemplation. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all. I watched a movie that changed my life. Sad and pathetic I know. But it made me think about my own happiness; & about my demons inside. We all have demons inside of us and they grow if we choose to feed them. What does it mean when a desire inside of you is so strong that it's all you can think about? You know it's not a good desire. In fact, there is no good in it at all. But it still is there, and still controls your every thought of every day. How do you turn it off? How do you make it go away so that happiness can bloom?  Still trying to figure that out.

afraid of what?

All everyone wants is the truth.

The truth?

I'm afraid. I'm alone.

My biggest problem is that I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time trusting anyone, and my trust isn't given out often. I haven't always been like this. I used to give out my trust so freely. I've been in love, and I gave that person everything I have inside of me. I've been vulnerable, and I've been willing to feel love and trust. The hardest thing in this life is being hurt by someone you trust. It shatters your whole world. Makes you question everyone around you.

Now I'm just numb.

I often ask myself if I was ever truly in love, or just in love with the thought of it. And I can say without a doubt I was in love. I would've given anything for him, and still would, which makes me sick.

But the point of all this, is that people are selfish. Everyone is selfish even if they try not to be. It's human instinct. We naturally do what's best for ourselves first. When someone else is selfish and it effects you, it hurts. And eventually (like in my case) you're numb.

I don't feel pain. I don't cry. I don't love.
I don't even crave anything anymore. Nothing sounds fun, or good or amazing. Nothing is calling my name.

But the truth is, I hate that I let someone else control me. I HATE IT. Why do we let people control how we feel? or what we say or do? Why, because of one insignificant man, am I afraid to let myself get close to people?

Because I'm afraid.

and she lives!

Wowza. 

It's been far too long. That is an understatement. 


I don't know why... but a little while back I decided to get a paper journal. Who knows why I thought that would work.... psh. I wrote in it twice. 

TERRRRRRRIBLE idea. 


But good news!!!         I'M BAAAAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!!


Not that any of you missed me. Or even noticed for that matter... But hey it's okay because this right here, this whole blogging experience, is like therapy. Write (or type I suppose) whatever is on your mind. And wahhhla! You instantly feel so much better. Maybe it's the fact that I suddenly feel creative or in touch with my intelligent side. HA! who knows.


Alright folks. What is new in the life of Megan Henderson?

Well... considering I haven't written since November... A LOT. 
We'll just make a list.


A. Christmas came and went. It was fabulous. Spent it here in Utah with the whole fam. Except this year was a little different because it was my sisters first Christmas in her new home with her hubby. So just me and little Connor on Christmas morning. That's odd. 
B. I got a tattoo. Yeah you read that right. I finally got the one I've been wanting for years. It's darling and I'm in love with every bit of it. 
C. Drill team. Overall it was a great year! Competition season was frustrating and we basically got shafted, but hey. All part of the experience so they say. We ended up with 6th in state which I am happy with! For nationals we went to New York City!! Man oh man it was so great! We didn't compete, but we performed in the St. Patty's Day parade and the girls loved it! We saw everything you think of when you hear New York, and even went to New Jersey one night for dinner! It was a very busy trip and was jam packed every second of the day. It was almost like I needed a vaca from my vaca. 
D. Jamie Waller. Oh man she's the greatest! We had "bachelor nights" every Monday at her house and invited tons of the buddies and had dinner during the bachelor season. We still have dinner some Mondays, but now it's a smaller group and not as often. Either way, I look forward to Mondays, and her text messages that I get every day make me smile and appreciate life to the fullest. I love her with my whole heart and then some!
E. I'm still single. And that's that.
F. I had nose surgery! OKAY EVERYONE LISTEN CAREFULLY. If you are ever given the option, SAY NO! It was dreadful and terrible and hurt(s) (I'm still healing) like none other! But hey, hopefully it helps with these dreadful allergies and sinus infections. Yay!




Okay okay well reading back through that list, it looks like nothing terribly exciting happened in the last 5 months. Well, because it sort of didn't. But hey the older I get, the more I'm realizing this. Life is life. We go about our days and if something or someone magical happens to enter our life, then hey! We'll be unexpectedly happy. Expect the worst, but... always always hope for the best. 


Alright avid readers... (hahahah who am I kidding I have zero, but it makes me sound important) I promise I will be back here real quickly. I already feel better; see I told you this was like therapy. Anyways, have a great morning, afternoon, evening, whenever you choose to read this. And may the odds be evahhh in your favahhh. (yes I am one of those billions of people who absolutely loves the hunger games)

give thanks.

Thanksgiving is here once again! It's is a day we give thanks to all those blessings in our life. Today I woke up and made a list of what I am thankful for and there are too many things to just make a list. So here we go.. Over the years, I have truly realized that everything happens for a reason. I am thankful for my parents. We have definitely been tested with some trials over the past four years, and they have stayed strong through it all. But because of everything that has happened, we are all stronger people because of it. I am thankful for my sister and my brother, whom I can undoubtedly call my best friends. I am thankful for all of my extended family, and that we have such a close bond with eachother. I love them all so much! I am thankful for the entire Waller family (my second family). I love them with my whole heart and am so thankful that they are in my life. They have taken me in as their own and I know that we are always there for each other. I am thankful for all of my best and closest friends. Without them I would be a lost little girl in this world. I am thankful for Morgan Merideth and her amazing example in my life. She was there in the most vital time in a young girls life. She taught me respect, courage, how to hold myself with class, and most importantly how to be confident in myself. I'm thankful for the wonderful opportunity I have this year to follow in her footsteps with my amazing Accadians. They will never understand how much love I have for them.  Thankful for my house, my car & my education. Also the little things in life; hot summer days, good music, hot cocoa, hersheys hugs, cozy socks, and many many more. I am extremely thankful for my health and that I can dance limitlessly. But most of all, more than anything, I am thankful for Astra Lauren Waller. She has taught me how to live. The most important thing in this life. I know she is here with me everyday, but I cannot wait til I see her again! Her legacy lives on through all of us, and she will never be forgotten. To sum it all up, I am just a lucky lucky girl in this world. I've grown so much as a person and learned a great deal about myself. To not take anything or anyone for granted, to appreciate the little things, to tell people that you love them, and most importantly to not let those that are important to you slip through the cracks. Life is too short! I love you all sooo much and thank you for everything!! Happy Thanksgiving. Now go feast!

little bird.

Astra Lauren Waller. July 27, 1991 - October 22, 2011

Dear Stra,

Words cannot express how much you mean to me. I miss you so much already, things just aren't the same without you here. You inspired me more than you will ever know. You fought stra. You fought every day for 20 years. That's not easy, but you always made it look easy. No matter how tired or sick you felt, you were always up for going out to have a good time. I'll never forget the memories we made, and the laughs we shared. You have helped me through so much in my life and I can never repay you for that. No matter what was going on with you, you were always there to give me advice and make sure I was okay. You always have held a special place in my heart, ever since the first day I met you. 

Our love for dance is something we shared. And you were amazing. When we would finish a dance in practice I would be completely out of breath feeling like I was ready to collapse, then I would just look at you and suddenly it didn't matter how out of breath I was. Because I knew your struggle was 100 times worse than I. You kept me going Stra. I danced for you. I'll always remember the 2009 state competition. We came off the floor and I was crying because you were having such a hard time breathing. We had to carry you through the hallway and give you so much oxygen and you were still turning blue. I honestly have no idea how you did it. To this day I cannot fathom the strength you have inside of you.

You are an inspiration to my whole family. When my mom had cancer, or my dad lost his eyesight, somehow you always came up in conversation. That no matter what you're going through, somebody somewhere has it worse off than you, and makes it look 10 times easier. You did just that. You and Jamie were always there asking how I was, or what you could do to help. When I found out about my grandma earlier this year, I was on my way to the hospy to see you. I just remember you asked how I was and I just broke down in tears. I stayed until 1 in the morning just having you hold me while I cried. My dad especially held a special place for you in his heart. He would constantly say "Wow she is just an amazing girl." But anyone that knew you knows that that just isn't enough to describe you. Your love for life and your sweet smile inspired others, and I know I will use that for the rest of my life. 

I'll never forget all the hospy visits. Ordering pizza, watching Bachelorette (which there is absolutely no talking during), making bracelets, painting nails, watching the sunset, or even sneaking off the grounds. We have had some amazing memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for having you in my life, and being able to call you a best friend. You have changed my life forever and you will never ever be forgotten. I know you are in heaven with the big guy just loving life. You must have loved taking that first deep breath for the first time. No meds, no machines, no coughing, no oxygen. Just you and your perfectly healthy lungs. So go run, jump, and dance your heart out Stra.

You better love all the surprises we have for you today. Just wait till you see what your family and friends have done in your honor. My heart is broken, and there is a hole there now, but I know you have been with us these past few days. My eyes are swollen and raw, but the tears are there because you have been such a great part of my life. All of my tears are for us down here, because I know you are a happy girl dancing with the angels. Oh strubber, you would have loved last night, all of us together because of you. It truly was a happy moment to see everyone come together to help celebrate your life. Because that's what you would want, a celebration. And tonight, we will give that to you. I love you forever Astra Lauren. 

"It's never goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

I'll see you soon baby girl. Forever in my heart.

Love,  Megan "hendy"