melancholy

mel·an·chol·y  

/ˈmelənˌkälē/

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: 2. Pensive reflection or contemplation. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all. I watched a movie that changed my life. Sad and pathetic I know. But it made me think about my own happiness; & about my demons inside. We all have demons inside of us and they grow if we choose to feed them. What does it mean when a desire inside of you is so strong that it's all you can think about? You know it's not a good desire. In fact, there is no good in it at all. But it still is there, and still controls your every thought of every day. How do you turn it off? How do you make it go away so that happiness can bloom?  Still trying to figure that out.

afraid of what?

All everyone wants is the truth.

The truth?

I'm afraid. I'm alone.

My biggest problem is that I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time trusting anyone, and my trust isn't given out often. I haven't always been like this. I used to give out my trust so freely. I've been in love, and I gave that person everything I have inside of me. I've been vulnerable, and I've been willing to feel love and trust. The hardest thing in this life is being hurt by someone you trust. It shatters your whole world. Makes you question everyone around you.

Now I'm just numb.

I often ask myself if I was ever truly in love, or just in love with the thought of it. And I can say without a doubt I was in love. I would've given anything for him, and still would, which makes me sick.

But the point of all this, is that people are selfish. Everyone is selfish even if they try not to be. It's human instinct. We naturally do what's best for ourselves first. When someone else is selfish and it effects you, it hurts. And eventually (like in my case) you're numb.

I don't feel pain. I don't cry. I don't love.
I don't even crave anything anymore. Nothing sounds fun, or good or amazing. Nothing is calling my name.

But the truth is, I hate that I let someone else control me. I HATE IT. Why do we let people control how we feel? or what we say or do? Why, because of one insignificant man, am I afraid to let myself get close to people?

Because I'm afraid.