Passionate Perfection.

Sometimes there are moments where you are unconditionally happy with everything in your life. & I believe those moments should be documented. Today is one of those "moments". Yes, the whole day. Its been said that having true moments of sadness is something to cherish.  How can moments of honest heartbreak have the reverse effect to create happiness? It's the beauty of being human. We have the ability to shut those feelings out, or we can choose to live in them and experience them with every part of our being. I am choosing to live in them and feel everything so deep until it hurts my soul. What's the harm in having feelings? Often people are scared of how they'll be perceived if they truly let experiences affect them way deep down to their soul; but, why? Why should we turn off our emotions just so we can be safe? There is no joy in being safe. Being safe does not create true moments of pain, or true moments of happiness. Choose to feel. Soak it in and feel it all with all you have.

Sidenote: Go listen to Birdy's new album. Comes out Sep 27th and it's heaven in music.

ART.

Do you ever feel so passionate about something that you can't even put it into words?

Every single day.


My true passion is art. And I'm not meaning just portraits or paintings on the wall, although I do appreciate those completely. (Kelly Rae Roberts!) When I say art, I mean art of all kinds.

My number one passion is dancing. There is a happiness I feel when I dance that I haven't found anywhere else in my life. And I'll be completely honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I pursued a dancing career. The harsh reality is, my ankles won't let me, and neither will my mind. I'm a person who needs a plan. Dancing is something I won't ever quit doing, but having a dancing career isn't stable enough to ease my mind. Creates unnecessary stress. It breaks my heart that I'm that way. I just want to dance.

I also love with my whole heart the art of writing. I'm a bookworm through and through. I always have at least three books I'm reading at one time, and I'll read anything and everything. I love the idea of creating a world with your mind. Sounds cheesy, I know, but reading takes me to a place where I'm so carefree without a worry in the world. Takes me away from my reality. I'm working on my library (which I must say is quite impressive so far). And honestly, I'd rather spend money on books than anything else. Also, if you know me, then you know that bookstores (particularly Barnes & Noble) are my favorite stores to shop.

Obviously I love paintings and that kind of art as well. My room is full of paintings and mixed media art, by the one and only Kelly Rae Roberts. There is something about her art that I connect with. She is such an amazing human with a natural gift for creating something inspiring to others. If you haven't seen her art, I suggest you look it up. She's my number one.

One of the biggest forms of art I love is music. I'm addicted to songs. I'm addicted to lyrics. I'm addicted to it all. I download more music that any person should. That's all I have to say about that. I love it more than a lot of things in my life.

The truth of it all, is that mostly everything can be classified as art. There is beauty in everything, and I honestly appreciate others gifts and talents, especially if they choose to share them with the world. I think that we all just want to feel connected with others. We want to find a way to understand each other on a deeper level. Art is one way that we can do that. I think without it I'd be lost.

"You just have no idea. When I say that writing has saved my life, I am not speaking metaphorically. I believe that without music, without dance, without art, I would already be gone."

melancholy

mel·an·chol·y  

/ˈmelənˌkälē/

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: 2. Pensive reflection or contemplation. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all. I watched a movie that changed my life. Sad and pathetic I know. But it made me think about my own happiness; & about my demons inside. We all have demons inside of us and they grow if we choose to feed them. What does it mean when a desire inside of you is so strong that it's all you can think about? You know it's not a good desire. In fact, there is no good in it at all. But it still is there, and still controls your every thought of every day. How do you turn it off? How do you make it go away so that happiness can bloom?  Still trying to figure that out.

afraid of what?

All everyone wants is the truth.

The truth?

I'm afraid. I'm alone.

My biggest problem is that I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time trusting anyone, and my trust isn't given out often. I haven't always been like this. I used to give out my trust so freely. I've been in love, and I gave that person everything I have inside of me. I've been vulnerable, and I've been willing to feel love and trust. The hardest thing in this life is being hurt by someone you trust. It shatters your whole world. Makes you question everyone around you.

Now I'm just numb.

I often ask myself if I was ever truly in love, or just in love with the thought of it. And I can say without a doubt I was in love. I would've given anything for him, and still would, which makes me sick.

But the point of all this, is that people are selfish. Everyone is selfish even if they try not to be. It's human instinct. We naturally do what's best for ourselves first. When someone else is selfish and it effects you, it hurts. And eventually (like in my case) you're numb.

I don't feel pain. I don't cry. I don't love.
I don't even crave anything anymore. Nothing sounds fun, or good or amazing. Nothing is calling my name.

But the truth is, I hate that I let someone else control me. I HATE IT. Why do we let people control how we feel? or what we say or do? Why, because of one insignificant man, am I afraid to let myself get close to people?

Because I'm afraid.