melancholy

mel·an·chol·y  

/ˈmelənˌkälē/

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: 2. Pensive reflection or contemplation. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all. I watched a movie that changed my life. Sad and pathetic I know. But it made me think about my own happiness; & about my demons inside. We all have demons inside of us and they grow if we choose to feed them. What does it mean when a desire inside of you is so strong that it's all you can think about? You know it's not a good desire. In fact, there is no good in it at all. But it still is there, and still controls your every thought of every day. How do you turn it off? How do you make it go away so that happiness can bloom?  Still trying to figure that out.

afraid of what?

All everyone wants is the truth.

The truth?

I'm afraid. I'm alone.

My biggest problem is that I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time trusting anyone, and my trust isn't given out often. I haven't always been like this. I used to give out my trust so freely. I've been in love, and I gave that person everything I have inside of me. I've been vulnerable, and I've been willing to feel love and trust. The hardest thing in this life is being hurt by someone you trust. It shatters your whole world. Makes you question everyone around you.

Now I'm just numb.

I often ask myself if I was ever truly in love, or just in love with the thought of it. And I can say without a doubt I was in love. I would've given anything for him, and still would, which makes me sick.

But the point of all this, is that people are selfish. Everyone is selfish even if they try not to be. It's human instinct. We naturally do what's best for ourselves first. When someone else is selfish and it effects you, it hurts. And eventually (like in my case) you're numb.

I don't feel pain. I don't cry. I don't love.
I don't even crave anything anymore. Nothing sounds fun, or good or amazing. Nothing is calling my name.

But the truth is, I hate that I let someone else control me. I HATE IT. Why do we let people control how we feel? or what we say or do? Why, because of one insignificant man, am I afraid to let myself get close to people?

Because I'm afraid.

and she lives!

Wowza. 

It's been far too long. That is an understatement. 


I don't know why... but a little while back I decided to get a paper journal. Who knows why I thought that would work.... psh. I wrote in it twice. 

TERRRRRRRIBLE idea. 


But good news!!!         I'M BAAAAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!!


Not that any of you missed me. Or even noticed for that matter... But hey it's okay because this right here, this whole blogging experience, is like therapy. Write (or type I suppose) whatever is on your mind. And wahhhla! You instantly feel so much better. Maybe it's the fact that I suddenly feel creative or in touch with my intelligent side. HA! who knows.


Alright folks. What is new in the life of Megan Henderson?

Well... considering I haven't written since November... A LOT. 
We'll just make a list.


A. Christmas came and went. It was fabulous. Spent it here in Utah with the whole fam. Except this year was a little different because it was my sisters first Christmas in her new home with her hubby. So just me and little Connor on Christmas morning. That's odd. 
B. I got a tattoo. Yeah you read that right. I finally got the one I've been wanting for years. It's darling and I'm in love with every bit of it. 
C. Drill team. Overall it was a great year! Competition season was frustrating and we basically got shafted, but hey. All part of the experience so they say. We ended up with 6th in state which I am happy with! For nationals we went to New York City!! Man oh man it was so great! We didn't compete, but we performed in the St. Patty's Day parade and the girls loved it! We saw everything you think of when you hear New York, and even went to New Jersey one night for dinner! It was a very busy trip and was jam packed every second of the day. It was almost like I needed a vaca from my vaca. 
D. Jamie Waller. Oh man she's the greatest! We had "bachelor nights" every Monday at her house and invited tons of the buddies and had dinner during the bachelor season. We still have dinner some Mondays, but now it's a smaller group and not as often. Either way, I look forward to Mondays, and her text messages that I get every day make me smile and appreciate life to the fullest. I love her with my whole heart and then some!
E. I'm still single. And that's that.
F. I had nose surgery! OKAY EVERYONE LISTEN CAREFULLY. If you are ever given the option, SAY NO! It was dreadful and terrible and hurt(s) (I'm still healing) like none other! But hey, hopefully it helps with these dreadful allergies and sinus infections. Yay!




Okay okay well reading back through that list, it looks like nothing terribly exciting happened in the last 5 months. Well, because it sort of didn't. But hey the older I get, the more I'm realizing this. Life is life. We go about our days and if something or someone magical happens to enter our life, then hey! We'll be unexpectedly happy. Expect the worst, but... always always hope for the best. 


Alright avid readers... (hahahah who am I kidding I have zero, but it makes me sound important) I promise I will be back here real quickly. I already feel better; see I told you this was like therapy. Anyways, have a great morning, afternoon, evening, whenever you choose to read this. And may the odds be evahhh in your favahhh. (yes I am one of those billions of people who absolutely loves the hunger games)

give thanks.

Thanksgiving is here once again! It's is a day we give thanks to all those blessings in our life. Today I woke up and made a list of what I am thankful for and there are too many things to just make a list. So here we go.. Over the years, I have truly realized that everything happens for a reason. I am thankful for my parents. We have definitely been tested with some trials over the past four years, and they have stayed strong through it all. But because of everything that has happened, we are all stronger people because of it. I am thankful for my sister and my brother, whom I can undoubtedly call my best friends. I am thankful for all of my extended family, and that we have such a close bond with eachother. I love them all so much! I am thankful for the entire Waller family (my second family). I love them with my whole heart and am so thankful that they are in my life. They have taken me in as their own and I know that we are always there for each other. I am thankful for all of my best and closest friends. Without them I would be a lost little girl in this world. I am thankful for Morgan Merideth and her amazing example in my life. She was there in the most vital time in a young girls life. She taught me respect, courage, how to hold myself with class, and most importantly how to be confident in myself. I'm thankful for the wonderful opportunity I have this year to follow in her footsteps with my amazing Accadians. They will never understand how much love I have for them.  Thankful for my house, my car & my education. Also the little things in life; hot summer days, good music, hot cocoa, hersheys hugs, cozy socks, and many many more. I am extremely thankful for my health and that I can dance limitlessly. But most of all, more than anything, I am thankful for Astra Lauren Waller. She has taught me how to live. The most important thing in this life. I know she is here with me everyday, but I cannot wait til I see her again! Her legacy lives on through all of us, and she will never be forgotten. To sum it all up, I am just a lucky lucky girl in this world. I've grown so much as a person and learned a great deal about myself. To not take anything or anyone for granted, to appreciate the little things, to tell people that you love them, and most importantly to not let those that are important to you slip through the cracks. Life is too short! I love you all sooo much and thank you for everything!! Happy Thanksgiving. Now go feast!

little bird.

Astra Lauren Waller. July 27, 1991 - October 22, 2011

Dear Stra,

Words cannot express how much you mean to me. I miss you so much already, things just aren't the same without you here. You inspired me more than you will ever know. You fought stra. You fought every day for 20 years. That's not easy, but you always made it look easy. No matter how tired or sick you felt, you were always up for going out to have a good time. I'll never forget the memories we made, and the laughs we shared. You have helped me through so much in my life and I can never repay you for that. No matter what was going on with you, you were always there to give me advice and make sure I was okay. You always have held a special place in my heart, ever since the first day I met you. 

Our love for dance is something we shared. And you were amazing. When we would finish a dance in practice I would be completely out of breath feeling like I was ready to collapse, then I would just look at you and suddenly it didn't matter how out of breath I was. Because I knew your struggle was 100 times worse than I. You kept me going Stra. I danced for you. I'll always remember the 2009 state competition. We came off the floor and I was crying because you were having such a hard time breathing. We had to carry you through the hallway and give you so much oxygen and you were still turning blue. I honestly have no idea how you did it. To this day I cannot fathom the strength you have inside of you.

You are an inspiration to my whole family. When my mom had cancer, or my dad lost his eyesight, somehow you always came up in conversation. That no matter what you're going through, somebody somewhere has it worse off than you, and makes it look 10 times easier. You did just that. You and Jamie were always there asking how I was, or what you could do to help. When I found out about my grandma earlier this year, I was on my way to the hospy to see you. I just remember you asked how I was and I just broke down in tears. I stayed until 1 in the morning just having you hold me while I cried. My dad especially held a special place for you in his heart. He would constantly say "Wow she is just an amazing girl." But anyone that knew you knows that that just isn't enough to describe you. Your love for life and your sweet smile inspired others, and I know I will use that for the rest of my life. 

I'll never forget all the hospy visits. Ordering pizza, watching Bachelorette (which there is absolutely no talking during), making bracelets, painting nails, watching the sunset, or even sneaking off the grounds. We have had some amazing memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for having you in my life, and being able to call you a best friend. You have changed my life forever and you will never ever be forgotten. I know you are in heaven with the big guy just loving life. You must have loved taking that first deep breath for the first time. No meds, no machines, no coughing, no oxygen. Just you and your perfectly healthy lungs. So go run, jump, and dance your heart out Stra.

You better love all the surprises we have for you today. Just wait till you see what your family and friends have done in your honor. My heart is broken, and there is a hole there now, but I know you have been with us these past few days. My eyes are swollen and raw, but the tears are there because you have been such a great part of my life. All of my tears are for us down here, because I know you are a happy girl dancing with the angels. Oh strubber, you would have loved last night, all of us together because of you. It truly was a happy moment to see everyone come together to help celebrate your life. Because that's what you would want, a celebration. And tonight, we will give that to you. I love you forever Astra Lauren. 

"It's never goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

I'll see you soon baby girl. Forever in my heart.

Love,  Megan "hendy"

in the newss.....

I'm baaaaaack!

Feels great :)

But for real, things have gotten crazy. So many changes over the past few months. 

a. Summer 2011 was thee best by far. I learned so much about who I am, who my friends are, and where I'm going in this crazy thing called life. I had some unforgettable memories with friends and family. I took LOADS of pictures. If you're lucky, you might just get to see some. Had adventures, vacations, and of course worked my a off all summer long. But it's all paying off in the end! Happy thoughts...

Pics from the Summmahhhh!

Every Tuesday this summer I went swimming with Cyd & Sam.

Camille. Most amazing friend out there!

Crazy night with Molly & Kim. Love them!

LOVE this girl with my whole heart.

We went gubing up at the farm. Gubing = tubing + golashes.

All the cousins!

classic family reunion pic.

Went to the Alpine slides in PC with Nat, Cyd & Sam!

Mo, Karl, me & Ame at Timmy. There he is -------------->

 

Camping!

At the horse races, watching my Baby Charlie race!

Whit, Camille & Karly. What can I say? Most amazing beautiful women in my life.

Love my girls!

b. I'm a drill coach! Can you believe it? Yeah... me neither. It's honestly the best thing in my life right now. I live and breathe for dancing. To be able to share that with 26 beautiful girls is the greatest gift I could ever give or receive. Chelsea and I have accepted the challenge and are taking this year by storm. 2011-2012 Brighton Accadians will be.. I repeat.. WILL BE the best they have ever been. This year is going down in the books. But truly, it is the most humbling, inspiring thing I have done thus far, and cannot wait to see what the year brings!

Accadians 2011-2012

Jay & I took a trip to St. Jeezy! Funnest trip EVER.

c. I miss my best friend. He is my rock & I'm a different person when I'm with him. But alas, he decided to be amazing at basketball and get a scholarship to play at CWC. So while he's off in Wyoming living his dream, I'm wishing he was here! Things are definitely not the same without him. He practically lived at my house, lets be honest. But I am SO incredibly happy for him, and just look forward to when I get to see him again. Christmas break? Let's hope before then. 

 

d. School........... ugh here's the sit-chu. I'm taking this semester off from University of Utah. It's halfway willing, halfway unwilling. But I don't think I would have been able to manage everything I have going right now. So I guess everything happens for a reason! But on the up side, Brian started school! My cute father is attending SLCC to get his degree in electrical engineering. He is the cutest! I help him with math, and we have study sessions. He is the smartest person I know (and I'm not just saying that. If you met him you would think so too). He's my hero though. Without a doubt. Come January we'll be hitting the books together! Can't wait!

e. I'm dreading winter. Who wants to wake up 15 minutes early so they can put on snow boots and mittens, go scrape their car (because sommmebodyy wont let them park in the garage) and pray to the lord they you don't slip on ice or that there isn't a wreck on the freeway? Sounds like so much fun if you ask me!! 

f. Update on family.... Britt & Keith are a cute, in love type of couple. But hey they are married, along with that comes stress. Anyone reading this, wait as long as you can until you get married! If you already are, more power to ya! Mom is great though. Ever since she got this new cookbook, she has become an avid chef. She makes amazing meals and desserts constantly, and hey I am not complaining! Lil bro is just a stud. He'll always have ladies chasing after him no matter what he does. But nonetheless, he is growing up and learning what it means to care about school and family, rather than just 'hanging out' and 'being cool'. He definitely holds a special place in my heart. Grams is cancer free!!! WHOO! She finished chemo this summer, and her hair is even starting to grow back. TALK ABOUT A LIVING HERO. The rest of the fam is all great and happy. Love them all to death! Eric is in marine training down in Cali. He graduates on Oct. 14th and will be coming home for a week before he heads out again! We've been writing lots of letters and I'm so proud of him!

Eric the marine:) powwwdaaaaaa.

That's all the news I have for now. Also, I need to get on here more often. That would be a great thing.

Here is my little inspiring bit for the day.

"Ain't it amazing that struggle tends to bring out the best in who you are? It's the irony of life. Without struggle and without the means of going through something, you would never really know how powerful your spirit can be. You can always fix the technical stuff, but reserve the feeling. And keep that feeling alive in you. Keep that hunger" - Shawn Stockman

I believe this applies to anything in life. Without that struggle, without those hardships, what is there to be grateful for? Everything happens for a reason. & the big guy upstairs? Yeah.. he has a plan for all of us.

ps. THIS is true happiness.

life is what you make of it.

life is short. period.

"life is short, death is long, act accordingly"

& honestly, we hear that all the time. almost everyday. but just recently i'm starting to realize the meaning to it. things are changing. i'm starting to grow into my skin, finally. and yes, i have always been confident in myself and with who i am, but something huge is happening. i'm confident in every way possible. 

i truly believe i am on top of the world and can do anything i desire. it's honestly the greatest feeling i have ever experienced. i am happy with who i am, and i am happy with the people in my life. 

 

 

okay, i'm not trying to fool anyone. yes i have my bad days. where i feel like i could be a little better, or a little skinnier, or maybe even more kind, but that doesn't change that i am who i am. i love my imperfections. others opinions don't really matter to me anymore. sure sure we all say that we don't care what others think, but the truth is, deep down we all do. i can say that i truly don't. i am so proud of the person i am becoming. 

 

 

i can only imagine what the future holds for me. i get so excited when i even think about it!

life is out there just waiting for me to grab hold of it. 

i do have my fears of course. the biggest being losing those that are close to me. for example, in the past year i have lost touch with many friends that i thought would always be there. but this year is going to be the hardest. my best friend is moving in september. is he moving close you might ask? ehhh debatable. if out of the state is close to you. fact is, i will hardly get to see him. but don't get me wrong, i am so extremely excited for him to go out and start his life! my cousin is also leaving, but much sooner. in 48 days to be exact! he joined the marines and leaves for training camp on july 18. i'm dreading july 18 with everything in me. him and i are so close, but what he is doing is very honorable and i respect him so much.

but truly, i am sooo excited for my life. i have great things ahead of me, i just hafta remember to take full advantage of everything. because as bad as i hate it, things constantly change.

and all we have left are the memories.